I don’t know when it started. Perhaps, it was on the train somewhere between London and the South East. Or, was it after dinner?… Anyway, it doesn’t matter.
My husband and I were sitting in our living room. For the past few hours, I had been feeling down for no reason. There was an inexplicable weight around my chest. Everything suddenly felt pointless. Like, what was the point to life? I felt empty. Purposeless. Pointless. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get myself to feel ‘better’. I didn’t care, to be honest, that all the nice feelings had suddenly vanished from existence. I wouldn’t mind if my own existence decided to tag along with them.
“I’m depressed,” I said, turning to my husband. He put his arms around me, as he lovingly asked: “Why are you depressed?”
The large and athletic dog sat at the living room door watching a fly on the wall. She had been watching the same fly for the past hour. The furry and lost one sat on my husband’s lap, sleeping. Nobody knew where the little angry one was, but by the sounds of it, she was behind the sofa, fast asleep. We had just come back from a long walk in the fields nearby our house.
“I don’t know,” I answered after a moment’s contemplation. I really didn’t.
“You can examine yourself to find out what made you feel this way,” he suggested after a pause. I briefly entertained the idea of delving deep into my consciousness in order to figure out why I could be feeling this way, but I gave up before I even reached the word ‘consciousness’. What was the point, anyway?
“I don’t want to,” I replied. “I don’t care.”
The athletic dog still sat, watching the fly like an assassin waiting for her target to make a move. That’s one patient dog, I thought to myself.
Then, “I’m depressed,” I voiced out again, “and I don’t know why.” If I could be bothered to feel something, I would probably feel irritated at not knowing why.
“Awww,” remarked my husband, smiling lovingly, “you’re in midlife crisis!”
I opened my mouth to state that I was too young to be in the middle of my life, but I paused. The dog suddenly made an attempt at the fly. The little one snored. I frowned and thought. Could it be…?
I used whatever mental energy I cared to spend to briefly think about it.
Huh… I thought then, shrugging mentally. So, that’s what it feels like…